Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. At least once a week I get an animal that comes into my office complaining of either depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, or herpes. The last one, although an annoyance, is a lot easier for me to treat than the first three.
The animal suicide rate is the highest its been in decades. We never know who may be suffering with the disease, because often these internal symptoms go unnoticed by even animals close to the one living with depression or thoughts of suicide.
According to a recent CDC report that I have sitting on top of my $200,000 Parnian desk, 69,000 animals died by suicide in 2018. Methods of suicide ranged from jumping off cliffs, sticking heads into toilet bowls to drown, running out in front of moving cars, and consuming various household chemicals such as laundry detergent.
The animals with the highest rates of suicide include dogs, squirrels, lemmings, dolphins, chimpanzees, and ostriches. Well thank goodness, at least my species isn’t on that list. And here I always thought that I only possessed good looks, wealth, and super-intelligence.
I know every one of you is probably asking: oh great and wise Dr. Schnoz, what can I do for my wife’s cousin’s pastor’s next door neighbor feline who is considering suicide because he only got fourteen hours of sleep today instead of the usual sixteen?
Well, I’d first tell that pussycat to get up, stop being so lazy, and get a job and then maybe he or she wouldn’t have so much sleepy time which alters the chemicals in a cat’s brain, which in turn causes them to have these suicidal urges.
Experts, such as yours truly, say that suicide is largely preventable. Tackling issues that lead to suicide, such as substance abuse, cancellation of favorite reality shows, and forgetting where one buried a bone or peanut have helped in the past, but unfortunately the trend is heading in the wrong direction.
If I could give any last minute advice to an animal who is struggling with this affliction, then it would be to think of me and how much I’ve succeeded in life. So the next time you feel like sticking your head into that toilet, just remember that I’ll be sailing on my expensive yacht somewhere in the Caribbean while sipping on martinis at sunset.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
