Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. Unlike myself, a virus does not have a brain. This may seem shocking to some, considering how a single virus can perform such duplicitous tactics. But even though a virus doesn’t have a brain, it loves to attack those of us who do.
Even with our advances in modern medicine, the rabies virus is still one of the worst plagues of the animal kingdom and it’s more common then the lower class animals may think. Many famous animals have fallen victim to rabies, including A-list feline actor Paw Rudd.
I have decided to bestow some of my great wisdom to the masses by compiling a list of the top three signs of rabies infection. So pay attention, buster.
3. Hunger Strike.
If you don’t feel hungry, I want you to stop reading right now and go see a doctor. You definitely have rabies. Those of you who are hungry, read on.
One of the first things you may notice once infected with rabies is a loss of appetite. I recently had an equine patient come into my office complaining of hemorrhoids. I immediately asked him if he had been intimate with a wild prostitute recently. Prostitutes are one of the main carriers of rabies. When the patient informed me that he hadn’t had sex in years, I told him to go out and find himself a prostitute and then come back to me and quit wasting my time.
2. Spit It Out.
If you notice other animals staring at your face more often, then it’s probably because you’re affected with rabies. Those inquisitive folks are wondering why your jaw is drooping and you have mounds of saliva dripping down onto your chest fur. This is DEFCON 3 in the wild rabies roller-coaster ride. Now’s your chance to get back at your spouse for all those times he or she forgot to flush the toilet. Hover your drooling mouth over them while they sleep and let the fun begin.
And the number one sign you have rabies:
3. Stiff As A Board, Light As A Feather.
Once you’ve gotten to this stage, it’s time to kiss your woolly behind goodbye. And if you’re already at this stage while reading this article then it really doesn’t matter what I write at this point. Total paralysis followed by certain death is on the menu and in only a matter of time your diseased carcass will be a lovely meal for a group of inbred, hick buzzards. But don’t worry, by that time I will have already purchased my next Bimmer and I promise if I happen to drive by those demonic buzzards I’ll turn up the radio real loud so I won’t have to listen to them chewing on your flesh.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
