Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. Making headlines today is the news that multiple cases of dogs and other animals have been infected with human brucellosis, which is a disease that can be transmitted from humans to animals. I know this sounds frightening, and believe me, it is.
Even though my specialty is in treating other animals, I do on occasion have patients of mine bring in their human pets for me to evaluate. Not to brag, but I am a board certified physician in mammalian medicine, and the last time I checked, humans are mammals as well. So I’m just as qualified as any of my colleagues who only specialize in humans.
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According to Iowa officials, this disease originated at a small human breeding facility and the humans are currently being quarantined for further testing. But wait, it gets worse, busters.
Any close contact with infected humans can cause flu-like symptoms, including fever, back pain, joint pain, and a whole slew of other terrible things that I’m not going to mention because I’d hate for animals to go into panic mode.
Now, I know what you animals are probably wondering: but, Dr. Schnoz, humans are so cute and cuddly, how can they be infected with such a scary disease? This is why I live alone. Well, other than living with the harem of attractive peacocks that stop by my mansion on the weekends, but you get the idea.
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I’m sure every one of you would like to know what’s the best way of avoiding contracting this disease from humans. It’s simple, don’t have any human pets and stay as far away from any humans that you may see frothing at the mouth or begging for food. C’mon, clear red flags there.
For those of you animals who still insist on having a pet, then I have three words for you: sanitize, sanitize, sanitize. You can never be too clean, especially when it comes to bringing a wild human into your house. Or if you’re as rich as me, your 10,000 square foot mansion.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
