What’s Your New Year’s Resolution?

GALVESTON, TEXAS– It’s that time of year again, folks. Time to make another New Year’s resolution that you plan on giving up on after a few weeks. For various reasons, most animals don’t keep at their goals for very long, but there are a select few who are more persistent and determined than others.

Although a new year is a great time to start some new habits, it can also be a major letdown, causing many animals to regress even further back than before they started. Squirrel Lips sent interviewer Cato Faline, the brother of Junior Writer Catherine “Cat” Faline, out into the heart of Texas to ask animals what their New Year’s resolution is that they plan on making and then breaking.

1. Spit Or Swallow

When asked what his number one New Year’s resolution is this year, giraffe Garth says that he’s been promising himself every year for the last nine years that he would do his best to try and stop drooling.

See Also: Interspecies Dating Sites On The Rise As More Animals Seek Love Outside Their Kind 

“It’s a little difficult keeping friends,” says Garth as he drools all over Cato’s microphone. “Every year I try to stop my nasty habit, but what am I supposed to do when my tongue’s 18 inches long?”

2. Bon Appétit

Verna the vulture says that it’s a tossup as to what her number one New Year’s resolution is this year. She claims that she has so many nasty habits that she can’t just pick one goal.

“Yeah, I’m sort of a dirty little girl,” laughs Verna as she reapplies her blood-red lipstick after excreting down her legs to keep cool. “My two main resolutions are to stop eating so many disease-filled carcasses and to lower the amount of times I crap down my legs. Perhaps I’ll move up north where it’s cooler. Maybe if I get rid of that aroma I won’t have so many guys hitting on me constantly.”

3. Whoever smelt it dealt it

What better way is there to start off the new year than by smelling clean and fresh? At least that’s what Cass promises to do as she divulges a little known secret about her and her fellow bovine.

“We fart…a lot,” says Cass as she does her best to hold in the inordinate amount of methane building up in her stomach. “I’ve tried every year to overcome this one and every year I fail. After about two hours I just end up releasing all this pent up air and fail yet another year’s resolution. This year I plan on changing my diet to perhaps something a little less grassy. I hear that the carnivore diet is showing promise to other cows who face this problem. Ugh.”