Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. Okay, now that I got your attention with that somewhat misleading headline, I’d like to tell you why keeping your tongue inside of your mouth may just save your life. So listen up, busters.
Every day at my office is an interesting experience. Of course, for the most part, I get animals coming in with the same afflictions, such as phantom testicle pain after castration and contagious sexual diseases from promiscuous lifestyles, but sometimes I see things that are totally avoidable.
Some of the most ubiquitous yet easily avoidable illnesses are the ones that are caught by an animals’ tongue and then transferred into the body. Below are three totally avoidable illnesses that are caused by overzealous, probing tongues and what can be done to stop it.
3. Sweet Elixir
Unfortunately, I get many addicts inside my office and the number one drug of choice is, you guessed it, antifreeze. Although heavily regulated for personal use, antifreeze is still one of the main fluids that keeps your vehicle running. Even though laws are in place that prohibit the sale of antifreeze to animals with a criminal history and/or mental illness, many turn to the black market to get their fix or break into cars and drink it right out of the reservoir.
Some common signs of antifreeze overdose are drunkenness, euphoria, depression, and weakness. I tell my worried patients that the number one way to avoid this problem is to stop drinking it. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll usually prescribe them a safer alternative to thwart their desire for antifreeze, such as heroin, morphine, or cocaine.
2. Leave the toilet seat down, please
The wife was right when she screamed at you constantly about leaving the toilet seat up. One of the worst habits that I see are animals who drink out of their toilet because they’re too lazy to walk to the kitchen after urinating. Statistics show that nine out of ten toilet drinkers are male.
Even though drinking out of a toilet is fairly safe when compared to drinking antifreeze, it still poses its own health risk. The problem is not necessarily drinking one’s own urine–I’ve done it myself many times–but the problem lies when an animal drinks another animal’s infected urine.
For example, if an animal who’s an antifreeze addict uses your toilet and then you drink it after he or she uses it, you could end up with serious health complications. Secondhand antifreeze is actually more dangerous then if you imbibed it yourself. My advice, don’t drink out of your toilet unless you’re certain who’s been using it. If you’re sure that your toilet water is safe, then drink away, buster.
1. Sometimes pleasure is the precursor to pain
I see it all of the time. A patient comes into my office complaining of a sore throat, nausea, rash, and rectal pain. The first thing that I ask them is: have you been licking your anus?
I apologize for the coarse language, but many animals derive great pleasure from licking their own anus. What may have started out as good intentions–licking oneself to stay clean–often ends up as an all-night lick-fest for fun.
Related: Are You Mad? Top 3 Signs You Have The Rabies Virus
As a physician, it is my duty to to assess all animals’ afflictions and to try to help them, not judge them based on their private affairs. So a little common sense and some self restraint may help avoid the embarrassment of having to see a physician about what one does in the bedroom.
There are many devices out on the market nowadays that can help prevent anally transmitted illnesses, whether you go at it alone or in a group. Prophylactics for the tongue can almost completely protect against diseases that are spread through anal licking. There are also pills that an animal can take before any anal licking episodes that can help prevent the spread of viruses or bacteria.
So to wrap things up, all animals need to use discretion in where they stick their tongues because it just may save their life or the life of someone else.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
