Paul Barker
HONOLULU, HAWAII– Now that economic stimulus money has been reaching everyone’s pockets due to COVID-19 hitting the United States like a ton of bricks, animals have been using their cash to spend it on whatever they like.
From New York to California, stay-at-home orders have been tough on everyone, but thankfully the stimulus money is giving animals of all kinds some assistance in everything from paying bills, buying food, or acquiring items for entertainment.
Squirrel Lips writer Catherine “Cat” Faline took to the streets with mask and kitty gloves in hand to ask passersby what kind of goodies they were spending their coronavirus loot on.
Charlie Mittens is a 4 year old tabby cat who said as soon as he received his money via direct deposit he went on Amazon and ordered $1,200 worth of catnip.
“I needed something to make the stay-at-home quarantine not as catastrophic” Charlie said through a homemade mask covered in cat hairs. “At least if I’m slightly catatonic I won’t realize that I’ve been using the same kitty litter for over two months due to the national shortage.”
Female German Shepherd Daisy Maisie told our news reporter that she and her husband Rex spent most of their free money on play toys for their puppies.
“We have six puppies who go through chew toys like water on a ruff day,” Daisy said with a fanged smile when asked why she spent so much money on play toys. “Me and my husband like keeping the little ones occupied, that way we have more time to do important things like drinking out of our toilet.”
As soon as Remy Rodento, a 7 month old pack rat, received his cash he immediately purchased a bunch of junk, which he then used to trade for any of his neighbor’s beautiful, shiny objects.
“I like shiny stuff,” Remy said as he tried trading the reporter’s shiny microphone for a half-chewed piece of cactus. “My house’s been a real rat’s nest lately, so this free money couldn’t have come at a better time. I just dug another hole in my living room and was looking for some more shiny things I could shove inside of it.”
So whatever all you animals decide to blow your money on, whether it’s catnip, chew toys, or junk, the important thing is that you spend it on whatever makes you happy.
