Paul Barker
WOODLAWN, MARYLAND– Depending on what type of rodent you are, social security can be a blessing or a curse. Millions of older rodents depend on Social Security to pay their bills once they retire, which is why the age that you file for it is extremely important.
Benefits are calculated based on the number of years you’ve worked and the age at which you file. All these factors determine what your monthly payments will be.
The problem with determining a set retirement age to file is the fact that all rodents have different life spans. Up until 2001, the minimum age to be able to file for retirement for rodents was 4, forcing many rodents such as rats, mice, and hamsters to work up until the day they die. While other rodents such as squirrels and porcupines, only have to work a small fraction of their lifetime compared to other rodents.
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Today the earliest age any rodent can file for benefits is 2, with 4 now being the maximum age to be able to collect in full.
Skippy Chestnut is a 12 year old squirrel who’s been collecting retirement benefits for the last ten years. Skippy says that he faces backlash from other rodents due to the fact that he only has to work the first two years of his life and then gets to kick back in retirement. Squirrels on average can live up to the ripe old age of 20.
“It’s not my fault, I don’t make the rules,” Skippy said angrily as he picked up his Social Security check from his mailbox. “Tell those other rodents to go cry to their politicians.”
Social Security wasn’t meant to sustain older rodents by itself, but unfortunately, most of them depend on it to survive. Financial experts advise rodents with shorter lifespans to start saving early. For example, once a mouse hits 4 months old, he or she should already have a nice nest egg already saved up.
