Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. Making the medical news headlines this week is the recent frightening outbreak of African swine fever, which is fatal to pigs.
The virus has had several outbreaks around the world, and the effects of this disease spreads faster than the opinions of a roomful of know-it-all physicians, other than yours truly. Hold the applause.
Over the course of my medical career, I’ve treated several swine that had come down with this dreaded virus. Past vaccines have proven somewhat effective against earlier strains of the virus, so with a shot and two bulbs of garlic I sent these pigs away to go do their weird, dirty pig things. But I digress.
What’s even more alarming than the fact that these porkers are dropping quicker than an anvil on Wile E. Coyote’s head, is that the blood thinner drug heparin is produced by Chinese pigs.
Due to regulatory and production costs, it’s much cheaper to have heparin produced by pigs in China than it is to have the drug produced by pigs in the United States, but that’s a whole other topic that we won’t be diving into today.
According to officials in China, 1.2 million pigs have already succumbed to this dreadful disease. And what’s worse is the fact that China has not been able to quarantine this nasty virus and it has already spread into Cambodia and Vietnam. Yikes, looks like the good folks over in China could’ve used ole Dr. Schnoz’s exemplary medical assistance. Ever heard of the internet, buster?
News sources from around the world are telling animals not to worry or panic, that government officials are working nonstop to take care of this swine fever virus.
Well, truth be told, being a rich, knowledgeable, and handsome physician gives me insight into the inner workings of the medical field and in my professional opinion animals should panic. That’s right.
Sometimes it’s better to err on the side of caution and go that extra mile, such as washing your paws or hooves a few seconds longer, or taking that extra weekly shower. It may pay off for your health in the end. Then maybe, just maybe, you won’t end up like those 1.2 million pigs in China, taking a permanent dirt nap because you refused to stop taking all those dirt naps when you were still alive. So remember, piglets, stay clean and stay lean.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
