Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. As the coronavirus pandemic winds down, the obesity pandemic is on the rise as animals of all species around the world have become overweight due to staying home and lounging around the house all day and night.
While most animals are talking about the economic hardships they’e facing during this crisis, not many are speaking out about the growing waistlines, muscle problems, and laziness of a great percentage of those who were forced to change their lifestyles by their respective governments.
Even though I can’t speak from experience what it’s like to be a fatty since i was born with with a perfect beach-body to go along with my genius brain, my years of experience as a medical professional of dealing with porkers, blobs, and jelly-bellies makes me qualified as an expert.
Now I know all of you fat animals out there are asking: “Dr. Schnoz, what can I do to get rid of these five extra rolls under my furry chin before my husband or wife decides to leave me for a thinner animal who can still see their tail between their legs?”
Well, first thing you can do is stop stuffing your bloated face day and night. If you’re taking in more calories than you’re expending due to your all-new sedentary lifestyle, then you need to cut back on all those cupcakes, cookies, and pizza and get back to eating foods that nature intended, such as totally unpalatable grass, oats, and lean human meats.
Now of course this is merely a general guideline as every animal requires a different diet, but you get the picture, busters. Less food, but more nutritious and healthier alternatives. And if you still can’t control yourself from shoving copious amounts of food into your big mouth, then lock the refrigerator door and have your significant other hide the key from you.
The second and most important thing animals need to do to drop that woolly bubble butt is exercise, exercise, exercise. I know, this is the hard one, but exercise is even more key to health, well-being, and weight-control than even a nutritional diet.
So to wrap it all up, get off your couch, bed, front lawn or wherever you park your butt and do something and keep doing it until you’ve overcome these problems. Then perhaps after a while you will have acquired a sexy physique similar to mine that many females tell me is like a cross between an energetic kangaroo and a hunky mountain lion. Roar.
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
