Dr. Schnoz
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA– Dr. Schnoz here. In my office I have seen hundreds of cats and the number one question that I get from them is “Can you prescribe me catnip?” Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably wondering what the heck does this have to do with this article. Well, in short, nothing.
So, the number two most asked question that I get from felines is “Doctor, am I really going to live nine times?” In short, I don’t know. From a medical perspective, a cat’s multiple life expectancy is contingent on many things, such as health, weight, hairball frequency, and what type of cat litter they use to wipe themselves with.
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As a physician who specializes in mammalian studies, I was always told that most felines have nine lives and that if a cat wasted away one life then another one would be right around the corner until they maxed out at nine.
Unfortunately I have some bad news for all you crabby kitties out there. A new scientific study put out by the Feline Hairball Association says that the average cat will only live seven lives. Researchers took a thousand different cats and killed every one of them repeatedly. As soon as the cats came back to life after being euthanized, they euthanized the cats again.
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According to the study, approximately 69% of the feline test subjects only had seven lives. Felines from the Orient tended to outlive their western counterparts, with some Siamese cats actually making it to a tenth life.
So what’s this mean? Well, I’ll tell you, buster. This means that some cats live seven lives while others live nine. Sort of makes that whole scientific study rather useless, doesn’t it?
Until next time, busters. Dr. Schnoz.
The Dr. Oz Show parody.
