Gary Goosey
MADRID, SPAIN– Due to the increased amount of human owners walking their pets and leaving their excrement everywhere, government officials have officially levied taxes as a way to deal with the ever-growing problem of human waste being left on its streets.
City officials stated that they became tired of spending countless hours and “mucho dinero” (lots of money) chasing after dogs who refuse to clean up after their human pets who defecate in parks, sidewalks, streets, lawns, and even inside public buildings.
Diego Bearnardo, a tax councilor in the Spanish city of Zamora, says that dogs in the country need to become more proactive in cleaning up after their human pets and he hopes that the new taxes will be the impetus that helps get the job done.
“Yes, this has become a major issue in our once clean towns,” Bearnardo told a CNN Spain news reporter, holding up a chart of the cities that boast the most public human excrement. “Not every dog is happy about this new tax, but too bad. Many non-pet owning citizens are not happy either when they can’t walk the streets without stepping in piles and piles of stinky feces.”
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Officials claim that the tax will be starting next year and is only a modest nine euros annually per human owner. The brown bear tax councilor stated that if this does not curb the problem, then perhaps the government will raise the tax price until lazy, careless, rude dogs start doing what they’re supposed to do.
“If you own a human, then clean up after it,” Bearnardo said sternly. “Pets are a responsibility, and canines better start taking things more seriously.”
Many dogs don’t agree with this new tax and say that this is merely another way for the government to bend over its citizens and then steal from their wallets.
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A dog who stated that he wished to remain anonymous told CNN that if he’s being forced to pay taxes for his pet human then what’s the motivation to clean up the poop afterwards.
“This is ludicrous,” the unidentified dog said, showing his large canine teeth in anger. “I’ll start taking my human to do his pooping business on government property now.”
The city hall stated that these new taxes will raise upwards of 90,000 euros a year ($99,360) and the money will go to prosecuting spiteful dogs that plan to let their humans defecate on government property in retaliation to the excrement crackdown.
“We got a plan for that too,” Bearnardo said in reference to dogs who plan on getting revenge against the city government. “We’ve already implemented a human poop task force whose sole purpose is to scoop up the human waste, locate these bastard dogs, then dump the crap back onto their own property. Let’s see how they like it.”
